The Potter Brothers
by Zanzabaar
Summary: The sexual accomplishments of the Potter brothers happens to be what some of the Weasley cousins and their friends talk about over breakfast one morning.


**So just a warning: there's a reason why this is rated M. There's talk of sex and incest, along with a few curses thrown in, just to prove that this story deserves the Mature label. **

The Potter Brothers

Lily Luna Potter knew that her brothers were the strange ones of the family. Somehow, and she had no idea how, James and Albus _freaking_ Potter got themselves sorted into _Slytherin_. Slytherin! With three exclamation points! To be fair, she had always expect Albus to be a Slytherin: the boy seemed to never do anything cooperatively without having a full explanation of why and how and if he would get anything from it. James though… he was something entirely different. He always seemed to be too brash, too bold, with no grasp of what subtlety was. Even with all of that, he was still a snake.

Now as a fifth year, Lily had gotten used to carrying on the Potter legacy of being in Gryffindor all by her lonesome self. Well, at least she had some of her Weasley cousins. Victoire had already completed her seventh year, but she still had Fred, Louis and Lucy in Gryffindor with her, even though Fred and Louis with in their seventh and sixth years (with James and Albus) and Lucy was a third year. Dominique, Roxanne and Rose were all sixth year Ravenclaws, and Hugo and Molly were fifth year Hufflepuffs.

Poor Hugo. He really was too sweet for his own good.

Anyway, back to the Potter boys. Lily was sitting at the Gryffindor table for breakfast one Saturday morning staring at her brothers a few tables over. Now, James and Albus were the Kings of Slytherin, and they usually acted like it (well, James more than Albus). They didn't seem to fit the part today though. They were sitting next to each other, as they normally did, but the pair were just quietly eating their morning meal. They weren't talking and joking with the people around them. In fact, the few Slytherins who decided to get up for breakfast were sitting as far away as possible. Even from the Gryffindor table, Lily could almost see the aura around the two that was pushing everyone away.

"Hey, Hugo," Lily started, "has Lorcan said anything about James and Albus? They look really… menacing this morning."

She always seemed to hear information about her brothers from either Hugo or his boyfriend Lysander (also a Hufflepuff) since the latter's twin brother was in Slytherin.

Hugo shook his head. "Maybe they had a row and they're poorly trying to keep up appearances."

"That can't be it," Lysander filled in. "They don't look mad a each other. They look like they just hate everybody. You should know better than any of us that they aren't morning people."

"They seem even worse this morning," Lily supplied. "Do you think they finally broke down and murdered Scorpius?"

"Nope," Rose said as she sat down next to Lily. "I was just talking to Parkinson guy, Dylan, and Score came up and started doing things that… um… boyfriends do to each other."

Lily groaned. "Why do all the good looking ones have to be gay?"

"Sorry, we can't help it," Hugo said quietly.

"I know, Huggles, I know," Lily said.

The four of them returned to quietly eating their food, all the while not hiding that they were looking directly at the Potter boys. After a few minutes, Lily decided that, as the only Gryffindor present, she would be the one to pluck up the courage and go pester the dungeon crawlers.

"If I don't come back, have Louis sing one of those sad French songs that he loves so much at my funeral," Lily said before making her way over to the Slytherin table.

Before she even sat down she received a "Fuck off" from the both of them. They both had dark circles under their eyes and hadn't seemed to shave in what looked to be a few days.

"Good morning to you as well, my dearest brothers," Lily supplied as she sat down. "You both look particularly handsome this morning. I think if you just trimmed up that stubble a bit, you could pull off the whole facial hair thing."

That only got her dual glares. Lily stole one of Albus's pieces of bacon and some of James's eggs.

The boys continued to glare at their little sister to the point of making Lily go from being slightly scared to nearly being terrified.

"Well, this has been an excellent conversation," Lily said. "We should do this again sometime. Potters disperse!"

She fled. She fled so fast that she wasn't even paying attention to where she was going, which was right into one of the seventh-year Saunders triplets. From the longer hair, Lily knew it was Alix that she had run into. He was flanked by his brothers Brian and Chris. She knew that they had a pair of twin younger brothers, Declan and Ethan, in Albus's year, and a younger sister, Faye, who was in her fifth year and a good friend of Lily's. All six had dark red hair, green eyes and freckles. Not to mention they were all Slytherins. The five boys, along with James and Albus, happened to make up the entirety of the Slytherin Quidditch team.

"Oh dear," Alix said right after Lily apologized, "your brothers look like they're in a bad mood."

"Were we really that bad last night?" Chris asked.

"I bet it was Ethan," Brian surmised. "He did some weird twisting thing with his hands…"

"I guess we better go cheer them up," Alix said unenthusiastically, and the three left Lily looking confused and slightly grossed out.

Lily had to shake herself out of it. _They're talking about Quidditch practice. They had Quidditch practice last night, right? Right?_

She didn't want to think about the other thing they could be implying. In her mind, James and Albus were eunuchs, and she wanted to keep that interpretation in her head.

Lorcan and Faye had joined her group by the time Lily sat back down at the Gryffindor table.

"So guess what Declan mentioned to me this morning?" Lorcan, who was probably Declan's best friend, said. They all looked at him curiously.

Lorcan looked directly at Lily. "He couldn't help but say how gigantic your brothers' cocks are."

A noise came out of Lily's mouth that sounded like a Phoenix screeching and she stabbed the table with her knife.

"Ms. Potter!" called out Professor Chang from the teacher's table. "That is mahogany!"

Even though she knew she wasn't as good as her brothers, she glared at her favorite Professor, though luckily the Arithmancy teacher didn't seem to notice.

Lily then chanced a glance over at her brothers, and she saw that they were looking more agreeable, and all five boys were laughing.

"You look rather surprised, lily," Faye said.

"They're perverts, the lot of them," Lily muttered before going back to her food.

"Well, yeah," Lorcan said. "I promise that every single male student at this school just wanted to get into somebody's pants. Man, if I were into guys that way, I would so want to be part of what they have going. But alas, my prick has different ideas.

Hugo and Lysander chuckled while the girls just shook their heads.

Then something dawned on Lily. "Are my brothers exclusively gay? I've ever seen or heard about them being with a girl. They told Mum, Dad and me that they're bi!"

"I think it's both," Hugo said. "They said that they're physically attracted to both, but mentally just attracted to guys, so they just do things with guys. James said something about not wanting to deal with the bipolar emotions and mood swings."

"Dear Merlin. Not only do I have to carry on the Potter-Gryffindor legacy, but I'm going to be the only one to give my parents grandkids," Lily complained.

"That's if you can find a straight guy at this school," Rose said.

"Actually," Faye said, "I think only my brothers, Lily's brothers, you two," she pointed at Hugo and Lysander, "Scorpius and the Dylan guy play for the other team. There are plenty of good looking guys that would be willing to reproduce with the Potter Princess."

"You just have to make sure that they aren't just going through you to get to James or Albus," Rose said. "We all know that Albus doesn't have much of a conscious, and I'm sure James could be convinced to do things with your imaginary boyfriend."

"Thanks for making it sound like I have no hope," Lily said.

"Now come on," Hugo started. "Just because your brothers are gorgeous, incestuous and apparently willing to fulfill almost any of your non-bondage related sexual fantasies doesn't mean your completely hopeless."

"Non-bondage related?" Rose asked. "How would you know that?"

Lorcan laughed. "My dear Rose, you are looking at the only two non-Slytherins to have participated in the famous homosexual Slytherin orgy."

Hugo and Lysander looked somewhat proud. Faye and Lorcan started laughing. Rose looked at her brother like she was just seeing him for the first time.

_Well damn_, Lily thought. _I guess Huggles isn't as sweet and innocent as we all thought._

She sighed. _What has happened to Hogwarts? All of the boys seem to suddenly be porn-stars._

"Mum and Dad aren't getting any grandkids," Lily said. "Boys sicken me."

**Hi! So I might end up adding more to this at some point, but if I do, it'll be after the next time I update The Battle Alchemist (which should be on the 8th). Anyway, I love review! Tell me what you think!**


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